Negative

Negative

It's that time again. The time when my body doesn't quite believe that once again - I'm not pregnant. And so I do what we do, all of us infertile girls out there, I buy a pregnancy test, a cheap one because I should own stock in them at this point and I pray that somehow, some way, this time will be different. Then I see it again. The minus sign. 

For all those posting pictures of their plus signs, this is not to shame you, or make you pity me in any way. I am happy for you, and want to celebrate with you. 

The thing is, pain is pain. Every time I see this minus sign I'm reminded again that my body failed me. And even though in my heart I know it isn't true, it feels like God has failed me. For nearly nine years we've tried to conceive a child. Nine years. I've never seen a plus sign on a pregnancy test. Not on one of mine.

I know that God does miracles. My parents had me after 13 years of trying, so I know what is possible. I've read the stories of the infertile girls in the Bible, I know it's possible. I've heard victories from my friends after years of trying. All these things help.

One day there will be a plus sign. That is the prayer and the desire of my heart; to have children. So, this post is for all the girls like me, waiting for the results of a stick - I know what you are going through. If yours should come out to be negative like mine, know that someone out there is thinking about you, and praying for you. Have hope. 

To all the husbands who faithfully walk hand-and-hand with your wife through the storm, God bless you. You will never know the depth of strength and love you have given to her. 

I've said to my husband at least twice now that he would be better off without me - that he should divorce me and marry someone who can give him children.  His response is always steadfast, "I don't want anyone else but you. I love you, whether we have children or not." This response gives me the deepest love and respect for him. In Biblical times, the husband could divorce his wife for not giving him children. I'm grateful that my love stands by me. I'm sure there are infertile women out there who have said the same thing to their spouses, so I know I'm not alone in those feelings. 

I would love to hear your stories of victories, but I'd also like to hear about the negatives. Together we are stronger.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.