Infertility and Me

 

Infertility and Me:

Music I listened to while writing this blog: Let That Be Enough, by Switchfoot, All the World, (I Tell Myself), by Correatown, Here's Where We Begin, by Joshua Radin, A Place for Us, by Tyler James and Leigh Nash

                A few years back, I went to see the doctor for a yearly wellness check-up. I told her I had some concerns about infertility. At that time, I had been off of birth control for approximately 4 years and was very discouraged that my husband and I were not pregnant after that extensive length of time. After some research, it became clear to me that studies said that after one year of trying with no results, the couple were then considered infertile. However, the doctor brushed off my concerns and told me that I was still young and not to worry over it. I was 26, and so I believed her, but I continued to have this nagging feeling. I came to believe that something was wrong.

                With this type of response from my doctor, I felt that she might not be the type of professional I wanted caring for my health. I dropped the entire thing. I put off going to the doctor, until I was struck by strep throat. Through God's amazing provision, I was introduced to a doctor who looked at my age, and asked me whether or not I could possibly be pregnant before she set me up with some meds to take care of the strep. I replied that it wasn't likely, and then explained my predicament. She showed amazing compassion and set me up with an amazing obgyn. Upon my first visit with the new doctor, she listened to my concerns and showed great care.

                Ladies, if you are experiencing infertility, do not let anyone tell you that you are too young, just give it time, or don't stress over it. There are many reasons you could be experiencing infertility. Some of them are serious and should be evaluated by a caring professional. Within days, I was at the Jones Institute and having an ultrasound. It was only there that they discovered the source of my infertility was endometriosis, and an imbalance of hormones.

                It is unfortunate that my insurance company does not cover infertility treatments, and most do not. Make sure you know where your insurance stands. With mine, they would not cover anything from the Jones Institute or with the words infertility on the paperwork. I am still very disturbed by this fact since it was the one place that showed real concern, found reasons for it, and attempted solutions. I soon dropped the program since I couldn't afford treatments.

                Those are the facts, but as we all know things are not always so skin deep. My soul was going through great turmoil throughout this time, and many times experiences this soul searching even to this day. I was confused, angry, bitter, and even felt that in order to protect my heart from breaking, I had to push away those with babies, or young children. I still find it hard to go to baby showers, even for women that I am extremely close to in my life.

                I questioned God, and still do to some extent. I know now that God was leading me toward a different path, but at the time it felt like he was not the kind, loving God that I had experienced in my childhood, but an unjust God who was not concerned with how much I loved Him, nor how much I'd served Him. Every month, I would cry, begging God for answers to my unanswerable questions. I pushed Him, and those who followed Him away. In my heart, I still believed, but I couldn't reconcile what my head and heart were warring over. I would mourn every month for the life I should be living, for the mother I thought I deserved to be, for the great father my husband could not be because of me. Sadly, I withdrew from church, only opting to go when my husband would lovingly push me to go with him. At church, I would feel depressed, looking around at all those happy families. It felt like a cruel joke.

                At a Bible study with the ladies at church one night, I realized that I had made this desire to have a baby into my own personal idol. Each month, I would start over forming it in my heart all over again, I would worship at this idol without knowing it. I would read up on treatments, beg my idol for a miracle to go my way, and wait. Then, when it wouldn't fulfill my requests, I would smash it in anger, then apologize and start the process again. Build it, worship it, smash it, and repeat until all I could focus on was this idol. All this time, I loved God, and Jesus, but I felt like the black sheep. Obviously, in my blinded eyes, God did not love me as much as others.

                And then one day at church, I picked up the book that Christ Community Church gave away to their members for free,  Prodigal God, by Tim Keller. I love to read, and started to read it that same afternoon.

                This book and the words that I believe God gave to Tim Keller to write seemed to be aiming straight at me. Basically, the book breaks down the two brothers from the prodigal story that Jesus tells. I've always understood the younger brother's role, and won't get into it, but Keller had a remarkable way of pointing his finger at the older brother. I realized that I had been living in that role, blaming God, not accepting that He knew what was best for me, accusing Him of not loving me, and then becoming jealous over others who I felt God was blessing. I had served God my entire life! Where was my party? Didn't I deserve the fattened calf, and the celebration? Where was my ring? It seemed God loved the younger brother more than me. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it, but it will slash you to the heart, so be prepared.

                I cried, and begged for forgiveness, but this is not just something that can be fixed with a moment of revelation. God is constantly working on that attitude, and putting his finger on it. I have to remind myself not to worship at the idol anymore, and keep it far from me. Is it easy? No. Do I still struggle at baby showers and Mother's Day events? Yes.

                The difference is, my eyes are open. I know that God has a plan for my life, and the life of my family. I am certain of it.

                My husband reminded me of something we had talked about when we were first married through a Google search that he had accidentally left open. In it, he had searched for Virginia Adoptions. My heart was broken when I saw those words, but God was showing me the door for us to walk through, because of this happy accident.

                I have lived with infertility for 6 years of my life. Infertility, just hearing the word makes me feel helpless, and broken. It reminds me of this broken world. It suggests emptiness, where life cannot grow or flourish, where creativity dries up, and where everything dies.

Jesus said in Matthew 16:24, 'Take up your cross and follow me.' My cross is infertility, but through Jesus' death, and resurrection, he takes my infertility and makes it into something beautiful. Something that has changed my life and given me a purpose. Through it, I've seen the view of my future family. It's going to be quite special.

                I would love to continue this conversation with anyone who is struggling in this area of your life. Maybe you have experienced infertility and it has led to adoption for you as well. I would love to talk with you about this since it is the path my husband and I find ourselves on now. Maybe you haven't experienced infertility, but can relate to the things that I've said.

Please visit https://www.facebook.com/SandKAdoptionStory to learn more about our journey. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Game of Thrones

A Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin
(written in Lannister red)

Parents, this is not a book for children! As a teacher, there are times when parents will ask me if a book is appropriate for children. I am going to start putting appropriate ages on the books that I've written about just for you. This book is 18+, mature readers only! Sorry teens, I don't recommend it for you either.

Now that the age restrictions are out of the way, let's discuss Game of Thrones. I can't wait to see what everyone has to say about it.

I'll admit, I first read the book due to the hype behind the HBO show, even though I had never watched an episode. While there are elements in the book that push my comfort levels, there are many, many things that I admire.

1. Character development. Everyone has their top favorites, and the classics are Tyrion, Dany, Jon and Arya, but what makes them the favorites? Let's discuss it shall we. While I love all of the characters, personally, Sansa Stark is at the top of my list. While lost in her 'princesses and knights' world, the child grows up and develops into a very strong woman of character! I must say that I admire her more than Bella, Twilight, ugh...and even, dare I confess, more than Katniss...okay, maybe not more, but right up there with her. Martin writes the characters as if he knows each one, and is walking right beside them with a scope listening to their thoughts. He truly has redefined, for me at least, the depth of character development. It is not only about what happens to the characters that matters, but how they think, feel and react to those circumstances that make it all so real. Her sister, Arya, is also one of my favorite characters. (Maybe it's their sisterly connection and I can relate due to the relationship I have with my own sister. Look, Kim, I mentioned you in my Game of Thrones blog!)

2. World development. It is so easy to sit watch with Jon Snow on the Wall, or listen to Summer howling with Bran in Winterfell, (or Hodor for that matter), to face the sniffling Lord Robert of the Eyrie with Tyrion when he says "Can I make the little man fly now?, or become enchanted with the tourney at King's Landing with Sansa... Let me stop before I give too much of the story away. Martin makes the world so rich and real that you cannot help but to sink into it. It is reminescent of Middle Earth in LOTR, but with less fantasy. There are many other places in Thrones that I did not mention, what is your favorite and why? While it is hard to pick a favorite, I love the Vale of Arryn. It is beautifully written and if I could visit anywhere on the map, I would go there first.

3. Character death. I will not give anything away, I promise, but let me just say that I have a new appreciation for character death. Especially when you have invested so much time with these characters and want the best for them- and then...well, it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would. Some might hate it, but I love it. No story is ever all happy-go-lucky, and sometimes a character must die to further the story. I will enjoy the discussion over this one...

4. Evil villians. In Thrones, it is sometimes very, very difficult to know just who are the evil villians. Martin keeps you guessing the whole time. What I love about all of the characters are their humaness. Knights in other stories seem valiant and unmarred, but in reality, they are just men and therefore have a sin nature. Even the children find themselves doing, or saying things for selfish reasons. My favorite is Sansa when she doesn't stand up for Arya against Joffrey. (Joffrey I think is completely evil, but I would love for someone to show me his silver lining.) Or even Eddard when he has to deal with Sansa's direwolf. Duty and honor overshadow love, that's for sure. Who is your favorite evil villian in Thrones? Mine is Cersei. Oh, or Theon. Oh, or Jaime, or the Hound....too many!

5. Heroes. Just as with the evil villians, the heroes are marred with a human quality that makes them absolutely loveable. Every hero and villian has a dark and light side. Just as there are a great many villians, there are a great many heroes. A few of them could be both hero and villian at the same time. I would consider Tyrion Lannister one of those. One of my favorite heroes is Arya's dancing instructor, Syrio Forel. Who is your favorite, and why?

6. House/Family development. Each house has their own sigil. This reminds me of our own family crest. I absolutely love that you can infer so much about the person just by the house's sigil; the Starks with their grey direwolf over an ice-white field. My favorite, the Lannister's sigil, a golden lion upon a crimson field. I have to ask, what is your favorite? And if you came from any house, what house would it be, and why? Me, I choose Lannisters. Why? It's all because of Tyrion.

7. Lastly, character thoughts. Intermingled throughout each character's chapter, Martin brillantly gives the reader a glimpse into the mind of the character. You cannot understand a character completely without climbing into their minds and hearing their own thoughts. How can you understand how Jon truly feels about his lack of heritage without it? Or Eddard's mistrust of everyone around him in King's Landing? Or Arya's anger towards Sansa? Or Tyrion's resentment toward his father?

I enthusiastically look forward to reading all of your thoughts about the Game of Thrones.

"Lord Stark," Jon said. It was strange to hear him call Father that, so formal. Bran looked at him with desperate hope. "There are five pups," he told Father. "Three male, two female."
"What of it, Jon?"
"You have five trueborn children," Jon said. "Three sons, two daughters. The direwolf is the sigil of your House. Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord."

Blogs coming soon

Coming soon:
1. A Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin
2. The Hobbit, by Tolkien
3. How to Steal a Dog
4. Frindle
5. My favorite book: The Tale of Despereaux, by Kate DiCamillo
6. Ender's Game

Immanuel's Veins

Immanuel's Veins, by Ted Dekker


I would first like to say that I was not interested in reading this book. Twilight, as you can tell from a previous blog, had completely burned me on the vampire idea. Even though I told my husband not to bother with Immanuel's Veins, he bought it for me anyway, and then LOST it. It was supposed to be a Christmas gift! After months, he found it's hiding place and it was by chance that I was all out of new reading material.

After reading it, my opinion has changed. I love it!

It is nothing like Twilight, however parts of it are in first person and you all know how I feel about first person. It is a forgivable offense though, because the other parts are in third person.

In short, the story is centered around two themes: Duty and Love. The main character, Toma Nicolescu, is a hardened warrior, and servant of Catherine the Great. He finds himself torn between his duty of serving the empress and his passionate love for Lucine, one of daughters that he is sent to protect.

Thoughts on the book

1. The vampires are presented in a way that is drawn from the original lore and I LOVE how compellingly sensual they are presented. To me, the strange draw that the vampires have in this is symbolic of the pull that sin has over every human being. I read that a Christian publisher in Holland, who has published other books by Dekker, refused to publish this one because it is too sensual for their readers.

2.  I LOVE how Dekker makes connections with The Circle series in this book. I won't mention them, but if you are a true Circle fan, there are many connections that are mysterious and pull other stories together.

3.  This book reminds me of the redemptive power of Christ's love through his sacrifice for us.

Tuck Everlasting

Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt.
Love, love, love this book!! To answer your unspoken question: No, it's not in first person; it's in third person. Ah, third person, the way a story should be written.

I just finished this classic book about a girl, Winnie Foster, and her desire for something more.  It's a simple story with BIG ideas and hard truths. It begs the reader to ask themselves the question: What if you could live forever?

Winnie is a ten year old girl who decides to explore the woods just outside of her overly neat, stuffy home and fenced in yard. On this fateful day she meets Jesse Tuck, a boy who looks seventeen, but is really 104 years old. I know, I know...but it's not like Twilight in the slightest. Jesse, despite his true age, still maintains a youthful spirit and would make anyone want to be seventeen forever. Winnie is drawn to him, but I wouldn't call it love; she's only ten years old afterall. She soon comes to meet his family: Mae, the mother who makes Winnie feel welcome and loved; Miles, the older brother who sees the daughter he left behind when he looks at her; Tuck, the father who envys those that can have the relief of death, explains how dreadful it would be if she revealed the secret of the spring water to anyone. She learns to love this eccentric family as much as she loves her own. The whole time, a stranger in a yellow suit lurks and plots against the family.

I wouldn't change a single thing about this book. It is simple, beautiful, rich and deep. One of my favorite parts is when she pours the water over the toad, giving it everlasting life and then to see the toad again in the epilogue sitting in the middle of the road long after Winnie is gone and buried.


"Your time's not now. But dying's part of the wheel, right there next to being born. You can't pick out the pieces you like and leave the rest. Being part of the whole thing, that's the blessing. But it's passing us by, us Tucks. Living's heavy work, but off to one side, the way we are, it's useless, too. It don't make sense. If I knowed how to climb back on the wheel, I'd do it in a minute. You can't have living without dying. So you can't call it living, what we got. We just are, we just be, like rocks beside the road." Tuck's voice was rough now, and Winnie, amazed, sat rigid. No one had ever talked to her of things like this before.

Twilight

First of all, let me say that I own all of the Twilight books and have read and re-read all of them. As many of you, I loved them...at first. I remember talking to friends, 20s-30s friends, and sharing our frustration, anger and happiness while reading the books. However, when the movies came out, I lost that feeling and started nit-picking the book and movies apart. The characters portrayed in the movie did not match the ones I'd built in my head and when the posters, t-shirts, lunch boxes, jewelry, etc. showed up, plus the fact that it turned into a pre-teen sensation, I gave up. I will try to write this post from the perspective of the 'book lover.' However, forgive me if some of my 'movie-madness' brews over and I'm sure it will.

Twilight, by Stephenie Meyers

Downside: It is written in first person. I can't stand first person. Authors please take note and stop this first person craze. (someone please explain the draw for first person..)

I'm sure I don't need to go into detail about the story since most have either read the book or seen the movie.

Questions I want answered or ideas to share:

1. Taking classic ideas about vampires and making them bogus.

Classic idea: Sunlight harms vampires.
Twilight idea: Sunlight does not harm vampires, but makes them sparkle.

Classic idea: Vampires can shape shift into bats.
Twilight idea: Not true.

You get the idea. Honestly, this never bothered me until the movie came out.

2. Bella Swan. I had such hope for this character. (I would like to plug in here that she was portrayed much better in the book then in the movie.) I see her as a typical teenage girl, still trying to find herself, who is thrown into this mystical love story.
  
My feelings about the movie are overshadowing my feelings about the book. Honestly, the two are now entwined together in my head to the point where I can't separate the two. I miss how I viewed the books before the movies came out.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins.


Incredible book. I couldn't put it down. My one complaint, it's in first person. Ugh! That really bothers me.


The story is told from the point of view of a teenage girl who lives in District 12. It is a colony surrounded by an electric fence that is rarely electrified. It is a post-apocalyptic society that is ruled by the Capitol. As far as the history, there were 13 colonies who rose up against the Capitol and revolted. The revolution was squashed and the 13th colony obliterated. Every year, the Capitol has the Hunger Games to remind the remaining colonies of the futility of the past revolution and discourage any new ones. The reaping is when the colonies must draw two names, one male and one female between the ages of 12-18, to be sent to the Games. I read the famous short story, The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson when I was in high school and the reaping is much like that. The two who are chosen are sent to the Hunger Games and must fight to the death against the other tributes drawn from the remaining Districts. Basically, twenty-four teens go into the arena and only one can leave alive. The whole thing is televised and every District is required to watch. The Capitol citizens find this yearly event entertaining, while the rest of the Districts brew in disgust and anger as they watch their young men and women slaughter each other.


Questions I would like an answer to and my thoughts about this book:


1. Will Katniss choose Gale or Peeta, her two love interests, or will she push them both away? From what I've read in The Hunger Games and I'm in the middle of the second book, Catching Fire, my opinion is I don't think she will go with either one. She firmly dislikes the idea of having kids and watching them face the same atrocities in the Hunger Games and this will keep her alone.


2. Katniss is the first female character in a long time that I find myself cheering for. (Not like Bella Swan. Read my blog about Twilight. However, she can't make up her mind about two guys, much like Bella.) She isn't helpless. She is masterful with a bow and arrow and could win on her own. There is really no reason for her to team up with anyone for her own survival, but she does because she doesn't want anyone to die.


3. Will the Districts revolt against the Capitol?


Taking the kids from our districts, forcing them to kill one another while we watch-this is the Capitol's way of reminding us how totally we are at their mercy. How little chance we would stand of surviving another rebellion. Whatever words they use, the real message is clear. "Look how we take your children and sacrifice them and there's nothing you can do. If you lift a finger, we will destroy every last one of you. Just as we did in District Thirteen."