Negative

Negative

It's that time again. The time when my body doesn't quite believe that once again - I'm not pregnant. And so I do what we do, all of us infertile girls out there, I buy a pregnancy test, a cheap one because I should own stock in them at this point and I pray that somehow, some way, this time will be different. Then I see it again. The minus sign. 

For all those posting pictures of their plus signs, this is not to shame you, or make you pity me in any way. I am happy for you, and want to celebrate with you. 

The thing is, pain is pain. Every time I see this minus sign I'm reminded again that my body failed me. And even though in my heart I know it isn't true, it feels like God has failed me. For nearly nine years we've tried to conceive a child. Nine years. I've never seen a plus sign on a pregnancy test. Not on one of mine.

I know that God does miracles. My parents had me after 13 years of trying, so I know what is possible. I've read the stories of the infertile girls in the Bible, I know it's possible. I've heard victories from my friends after years of trying. All these things help.

One day there will be a plus sign. That is the prayer and the desire of my heart; to have children. So, this post is for all the girls like me, waiting for the results of a stick - I know what you are going through. If yours should come out to be negative like mine, know that someone out there is thinking about you, and praying for you. Have hope. 

To all the husbands who faithfully walk hand-and-hand with your wife through the storm, God bless you. You will never know the depth of strength and love you have given to her. 

I've said to my husband at least twice now that he would be better off without me - that he should divorce me and marry someone who can give him children.  His response is always steadfast, "I don't want anyone else but you. I love you, whether we have children or not." This response gives me the deepest love and respect for him. In Biblical times, the husband could divorce his wife for not giving him children. I'm grateful that my love stands by me. I'm sure there are infertile women out there who have said the same thing to their spouses, so I know I'm not alone in those feelings. 

I would love to hear your stories of victories, but I'd also like to hear about the negatives. Together we are stronger.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Tacky

My topic for this evening is fundraising for adoption.

I made the mistake one time about Googling 'fundraising for adoption,' I only wanted to get ideas for special projects that Steven and I could do together, but before I had finished typing something caught my eye. Google loves to think ahead of me, and this time it showed me something that had never crossed my mind. I read the words 'fundraising for adoption is tacky.'

Of course, once I saw this, I had to click on the links and my eyes were opened to this incredibly insensitive world all about how folks thought that adoption fundraising was just about the most tacky thing on the planet. If you want to ruin a perfectly happy day, type this into Google and read the things that I unfortunately found.

Stories of couples spending their life savings on IVF treatments, only to come up empty handed and heartbroken. THEN when they wanted to adopt, found themselves out of the money necessary. I found it disgusting for people to judge these couples based on something that they could not control! Certainly, no one asks for infertility. No one asks for IVF cycles to fail. No one knows that kind of heartbreak, but those who have traveled that road.

If, after everything that they've been through, they still have the strength to stretch out their hands and ask their friends and family for some help, THEN

Who dares to judge them?

I started to second guess myself and this whole adoption fundraising 'thing.' These ideas filled my mind and I honestly started to feel guilty and almost agreed with these people that what I was doing was the wrong course of action.

I emphasize the word almost. When Steven and I first sat down and listened to a panel of others who have gone before us into the world of adoption, both of us were strangely calm when they started talking about financing the enormous cost.

While I have had a hard time in the past trusting God, I know that this was a promise straight from Him to both my husband and I. No one said it in the meeting, and no one suggested it was possible.

Debt free adoption.

Sometimes it is hard to understand His ways. How will this happen? Steven and I both work full time as teachers in a private Christian school. Anyone who has ever taught in private Christian school knows that our salaries are low. It is a sacrifice to teach in a Christian school.

I don't see how this promise will come to pass with my human eyes. I still don't.

I have to put feet on my faith. I have to do what I can to see this through and part of what I can do is tell my story. Whether it is considered tacky or not, fundraising for my child's adoption is not an option. It's a necessity.

I have a massive family. I have mothers and fathers in the faith that have taught me that nothing is impossible with God. I have family spread all over the country and beyond.

I believe to my core that we will adopt debt free. 

So far Steven and I have held two yard sales in which friends and family donated their own items to sell. These both amassed a total of $500 to put into our adoption savings account. Friends and family have donated in private gifts a total of $2,500+.

Our promise is underway, and I marvel at God's wonder.

Our newest fundraiser is a puzzle fundraiser. I love this idea and was totally hooked when a friend gave us the link. As people buy pieces, their names are written on the back and you can see the puzzle take shape. When it's finished,  it will be a physical representation of those donations of love for our child to see. While it is a gift for our child, it is also a gift for me. I feel with every piece that God is healing my own brokenness. He is putting my 'barren' heart together again.

Thank you to all of my mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers in Christ who have walked with Steven and I through this journey and continue to walk with us. You will never know how much your thoughts, kind words, and prayers mean to Steven and I.

So, whether it is considered tacky or not to the world, I don't care.

 My God doesn't see tacky, he sees a tapestry.

Adoption Puzzle Fundraiser

Adoption Puzzle Fundraiser

Thanks to the suggestion of a friend, we discovered this idea for raising funds and absolutely LOVE it! As you can imagine, it took many shopping trips to discover the perfect puzzle. This is what the finished product will look like when it is completed. http://www.calendars.com/img/p/400/201300009971.jpg 

How the Puzzle Fundraiser Works:

In order to raise the necessary funds for our adoption (Domestic Newborn Adoptions range from approximately$15,000-$30,000), we are starting a Puzzle Fundraiser. People who donate to our Adoption Fund will purchase puzzle piece/s. The puzzle piece/s purchased will have the name of the person/family donating written on the back. As people/families purchase puzzle pieces, the Adoption Puzzle will be assembled. I will be updating my blog with the progress of the puzzle as it is formed.
After the puzzle is completed, we will frame the puzzle between two pieces of glass and hang it in our baby's nursery. This will be a wonderful keepsake for our child to see all of the people who were part of bringing him/her home.

 

Cost of 1 Puzzle Piece: $10.00

You may choose to purchase a single piece, or if you want to donate a larger amount, you may purchase as many pieces as you desire.

Thank you for your love and support!

 

Pieces Purchased:                    Support Raised:

Pieces Remaining:                     Support Needed:

Love

Songs I listened to while writing this blog: You Won't Relent, by Misty Edwards, and Prodigal, by The Michael Gungor Band

My favorite movie clip about infertility that I think really portrays a Christian man and woman’s struggle beautifully is from Facing the Giants. Watch it here,  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ8p9BlX9ro

In this scene, the husband asks his wife a very straightforward question, “If the Lord never gives us children, will you still love Him?”

The wife does not reply, but you can see in her face that she is struggling with her own answer.

I’ve thought about this question, and for myself, my answer waivers. If God, the creator of all things, the one who breathes life, who spoke the sun and stars into existence, withholds that one thing that you desire the most, will you still love Him? Would any of us? Would I?

For me, the one thing would be to have a child of my own. I very easily relate to the woman as she looks into her husband’s eyes, wanting to answer truthfully.

Perhaps that answer is no. God is unfair. Perhaps she was thinking the same things I’ve thought before: I’ve served God faithfully. Doesn’t He care? Doesn’t He see my tears? Doesn’t He know that every month I lose hope over and over again, I start to doubt His very existence?

Regardless of her answer, the question is a difficult one to face; to remove the mask that we use to hide from each other, and really examine with clear eyes.

It’s easy to bluff. To tell everyone and even yourself that your ‘desire’ is small and insignificant, that it doesn’t eat you up inside. Every time I see a pregnant woman, or newborn baby, my own monster rears its jealous head. For you, maybe it’s every time you see a happily married couple, or someone who is a successful entrepreneur, or someone gets the raise you deserve, or has a special talent, etc.

What is the desire of your heart that if you don’t get, you feel you cannot love God?

Ask yourself this question, “If the Lord never gives me ___________________, will I still love Him?”

Answer it truthfully, and then if your answer is ‘No’, as mine has been in the past, ask yourself why. Is it because God really doesn’t care about you? Is it because you’re an ‘older brother’, as I was, feeling justified demanding things of your father because you have ‘served’ him all these years? Is God truly as unfair as He seems?

To all my single friends, I ask, “If the Lord never gives you a husband/wife, will you still love Him?”

To all my working friends, I ask, “If the Lord never gives you that dream job, or raise will you still love Him?”

And to all the precious barren men and women, “If the Lord never gives you children, will you still love Him?” 

Infertility and Me

 

Infertility and Me:

Music I listened to while writing this blog: Let That Be Enough, by Switchfoot, All the World, (I Tell Myself), by Correatown, Here's Where We Begin, by Joshua Radin, A Place for Us, by Tyler James and Leigh Nash

                A few years back, I went to see the doctor for a yearly wellness check-up. I told her I had some concerns about infertility. At that time, I had been off of birth control for approximately 4 years and was very discouraged that my husband and I were not pregnant after that extensive length of time. After some research, it became clear to me that studies said that after one year of trying with no results, the couple were then considered infertile. However, the doctor brushed off my concerns and told me that I was still young and not to worry over it. I was 26, and so I believed her, but I continued to have this nagging feeling. I came to believe that something was wrong.

                With this type of response from my doctor, I felt that she might not be the type of professional I wanted caring for my health. I dropped the entire thing. I put off going to the doctor, until I was struck by strep throat. Through God's amazing provision, I was introduced to a doctor who looked at my age, and asked me whether or not I could possibly be pregnant before she set me up with some meds to take care of the strep. I replied that it wasn't likely, and then explained my predicament. She showed amazing compassion and set me up with an amazing obgyn. Upon my first visit with the new doctor, she listened to my concerns and showed great care.

                Ladies, if you are experiencing infertility, do not let anyone tell you that you are too young, just give it time, or don't stress over it. There are many reasons you could be experiencing infertility. Some of them are serious and should be evaluated by a caring professional. Within days, I was at the Jones Institute and having an ultrasound. It was only there that they discovered the source of my infertility was endometriosis, and an imbalance of hormones.

                It is unfortunate that my insurance company does not cover infertility treatments, and most do not. Make sure you know where your insurance stands. With mine, they would not cover anything from the Jones Institute or with the words infertility on the paperwork. I am still very disturbed by this fact since it was the one place that showed real concern, found reasons for it, and attempted solutions. I soon dropped the program since I couldn't afford treatments.

                Those are the facts, but as we all know things are not always so skin deep. My soul was going through great turmoil throughout this time, and many times experiences this soul searching even to this day. I was confused, angry, bitter, and even felt that in order to protect my heart from breaking, I had to push away those with babies, or young children. I still find it hard to go to baby showers, even for women that I am extremely close to in my life.

                I questioned God, and still do to some extent. I know now that God was leading me toward a different path, but at the time it felt like he was not the kind, loving God that I had experienced in my childhood, but an unjust God who was not concerned with how much I loved Him, nor how much I'd served Him. Every month, I would cry, begging God for answers to my unanswerable questions. I pushed Him, and those who followed Him away. In my heart, I still believed, but I couldn't reconcile what my head and heart were warring over. I would mourn every month for the life I should be living, for the mother I thought I deserved to be, for the great father my husband could not be because of me. Sadly, I withdrew from church, only opting to go when my husband would lovingly push me to go with him. At church, I would feel depressed, looking around at all those happy families. It felt like a cruel joke.

                At a Bible study with the ladies at church one night, I realized that I had made this desire to have a baby into my own personal idol. Each month, I would start over forming it in my heart all over again, I would worship at this idol without knowing it. I would read up on treatments, beg my idol for a miracle to go my way, and wait. Then, when it wouldn't fulfill my requests, I would smash it in anger, then apologize and start the process again. Build it, worship it, smash it, and repeat until all I could focus on was this idol. All this time, I loved God, and Jesus, but I felt like the black sheep. Obviously, in my blinded eyes, God did not love me as much as others.

                And then one day at church, I picked up the book that Christ Community Church gave away to their members for free,  Prodigal God, by Tim Keller. I love to read, and started to read it that same afternoon.

                This book and the words that I believe God gave to Tim Keller to write seemed to be aiming straight at me. Basically, the book breaks down the two brothers from the prodigal story that Jesus tells. I've always understood the younger brother's role, and won't get into it, but Keller had a remarkable way of pointing his finger at the older brother. I realized that I had been living in that role, blaming God, not accepting that He knew what was best for me, accusing Him of not loving me, and then becoming jealous over others who I felt God was blessing. I had served God my entire life! Where was my party? Didn't I deserve the fattened calf, and the celebration? Where was my ring? It seemed God loved the younger brother more than me. If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it, but it will slash you to the heart, so be prepared.

                I cried, and begged for forgiveness, but this is not just something that can be fixed with a moment of revelation. God is constantly working on that attitude, and putting his finger on it. I have to remind myself not to worship at the idol anymore, and keep it far from me. Is it easy? No. Do I still struggle at baby showers and Mother's Day events? Yes.

                The difference is, my eyes are open. I know that God has a plan for my life, and the life of my family. I am certain of it.

                My husband reminded me of something we had talked about when we were first married through a Google search that he had accidentally left open. In it, he had searched for Virginia Adoptions. My heart was broken when I saw those words, but God was showing me the door for us to walk through, because of this happy accident.

                I have lived with infertility for 6 years of my life. Infertility, just hearing the word makes me feel helpless, and broken. It reminds me of this broken world. It suggests emptiness, where life cannot grow or flourish, where creativity dries up, and where everything dies.

Jesus said in Matthew 16:24, 'Take up your cross and follow me.' My cross is infertility, but through Jesus' death, and resurrection, he takes my infertility and makes it into something beautiful. Something that has changed my life and given me a purpose. Through it, I've seen the view of my future family. It's going to be quite special.

                I would love to continue this conversation with anyone who is struggling in this area of your life. Maybe you have experienced infertility and it has led to adoption for you as well. I would love to talk with you about this since it is the path my husband and I find ourselves on now. Maybe you haven't experienced infertility, but can relate to the things that I've said.

Please visit https://www.facebook.com/SandKAdoptionStory to learn more about our journey. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Game of Thrones

A Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin
(written in Lannister red)

Parents, this is not a book for children! As a teacher, there are times when parents will ask me if a book is appropriate for children. I am going to start putting appropriate ages on the books that I've written about just for you. This book is 18+, mature readers only! Sorry teens, I don't recommend it for you either.

Now that the age restrictions are out of the way, let's discuss Game of Thrones. I can't wait to see what everyone has to say about it.

I'll admit, I first read the book due to the hype behind the HBO show, even though I had never watched an episode. While there are elements in the book that push my comfort levels, there are many, many things that I admire.

1. Character development. Everyone has their top favorites, and the classics are Tyrion, Dany, Jon and Arya, but what makes them the favorites? Let's discuss it shall we. While I love all of the characters, personally, Sansa Stark is at the top of my list. While lost in her 'princesses and knights' world, the child grows up and develops into a very strong woman of character! I must say that I admire her more than Bella, Twilight, ugh...and even, dare I confess, more than Katniss...okay, maybe not more, but right up there with her. Martin writes the characters as if he knows each one, and is walking right beside them with a scope listening to their thoughts. He truly has redefined, for me at least, the depth of character development. It is not only about what happens to the characters that matters, but how they think, feel and react to those circumstances that make it all so real. Her sister, Arya, is also one of my favorite characters. (Maybe it's their sisterly connection and I can relate due to the relationship I have with my own sister. Look, Kim, I mentioned you in my Game of Thrones blog!)

2. World development. It is so easy to sit watch with Jon Snow on the Wall, or listen to Summer howling with Bran in Winterfell, (or Hodor for that matter), to face the sniffling Lord Robert of the Eyrie with Tyrion when he says "Can I make the little man fly now?, or become enchanted with the tourney at King's Landing with Sansa... Let me stop before I give too much of the story away. Martin makes the world so rich and real that you cannot help but to sink into it. It is reminescent of Middle Earth in LOTR, but with less fantasy. There are many other places in Thrones that I did not mention, what is your favorite and why? While it is hard to pick a favorite, I love the Vale of Arryn. It is beautifully written and if I could visit anywhere on the map, I would go there first.

3. Character death. I will not give anything away, I promise, but let me just say that I have a new appreciation for character death. Especially when you have invested so much time with these characters and want the best for them- and then...well, it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would. Some might hate it, but I love it. No story is ever all happy-go-lucky, and sometimes a character must die to further the story. I will enjoy the discussion over this one...

4. Evil villians. In Thrones, it is sometimes very, very difficult to know just who are the evil villians. Martin keeps you guessing the whole time. What I love about all of the characters are their humaness. Knights in other stories seem valiant and unmarred, but in reality, they are just men and therefore have a sin nature. Even the children find themselves doing, or saying things for selfish reasons. My favorite is Sansa when she doesn't stand up for Arya against Joffrey. (Joffrey I think is completely evil, but I would love for someone to show me his silver lining.) Or even Eddard when he has to deal with Sansa's direwolf. Duty and honor overshadow love, that's for sure. Who is your favorite evil villian in Thrones? Mine is Cersei. Oh, or Theon. Oh, or Jaime, or the Hound....too many!

5. Heroes. Just as with the evil villians, the heroes are marred with a human quality that makes them absolutely loveable. Every hero and villian has a dark and light side. Just as there are a great many villians, there are a great many heroes. A few of them could be both hero and villian at the same time. I would consider Tyrion Lannister one of those. One of my favorite heroes is Arya's dancing instructor, Syrio Forel. Who is your favorite, and why?

6. House/Family development. Each house has their own sigil. This reminds me of our own family crest. I absolutely love that you can infer so much about the person just by the house's sigil; the Starks with their grey direwolf over an ice-white field. My favorite, the Lannister's sigil, a golden lion upon a crimson field. I have to ask, what is your favorite? And if you came from any house, what house would it be, and why? Me, I choose Lannisters. Why? It's all because of Tyrion.

7. Lastly, character thoughts. Intermingled throughout each character's chapter, Martin brillantly gives the reader a glimpse into the mind of the character. You cannot understand a character completely without climbing into their minds and hearing their own thoughts. How can you understand how Jon truly feels about his lack of heritage without it? Or Eddard's mistrust of everyone around him in King's Landing? Or Arya's anger towards Sansa? Or Tyrion's resentment toward his father?

I enthusiastically look forward to reading all of your thoughts about the Game of Thrones.

"Lord Stark," Jon said. It was strange to hear him call Father that, so formal. Bran looked at him with desperate hope. "There are five pups," he told Father. "Three male, two female."
"What of it, Jon?"
"You have five trueborn children," Jon said. "Three sons, two daughters. The direwolf is the sigil of your House. Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord."

Blogs coming soon

Coming soon:
1. A Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin
2. The Hobbit, by Tolkien
3. How to Steal a Dog
4. Frindle
5. My favorite book: The Tale of Despereaux, by Kate DiCamillo
6. Ender's Game