Infertility and Me:
Music I listened to while writing this blog: Let That Be
Enough, by Switchfoot, All the World, (I Tell Myself), by Correatown, Here's
Where We Begin, by Joshua Radin, A Place for Us, by Tyler James and Leigh Nash
A few
years back, I went to see the doctor for a yearly wellness check-up. I told her
I had some concerns about infertility. At that time, I had been off of birth
control for approximately 4 years and was very discouraged that my husband and
I were not pregnant after that extensive length of time. After some research,
it became clear to me that studies said that after one year of trying with no
results, the couple were then considered infertile. However, the doctor brushed
off my concerns and told me that I was still young and not to worry over it. I
was 26, and so I believed her, but I continued to have this nagging feeling. I
came to believe that something was wrong.
With this
type of response from my doctor, I felt that she might not be the type of
professional I wanted caring for my health. I dropped the entire thing. I put
off going to the doctor, until I was struck by strep throat. Through God's
amazing provision, I was introduced to a doctor who looked at my age, and asked
me whether or not I could possibly be pregnant before she set me up with some
meds to take care of the strep. I replied that it wasn't likely, and then
explained my predicament. She showed amazing compassion and set me up with an
amazing obgyn. Upon my first visit with the new doctor, she listened to my
concerns and showed great care.
Ladies,
if you are experiencing infertility, do not let anyone tell you that you are
too young, just give it time, or don't stress over it. There are many reasons
you could be experiencing infertility. Some of them are serious and should be
evaluated by a caring professional. Within days, I was at the Jones Institute and
having an ultrasound. It was only there that they discovered the source of my
infertility was endometriosis, and an imbalance of hormones.
It is
unfortunate that my insurance company does not cover infertility treatments,
and most do not. Make sure you know where your insurance stands. With mine,
they would not cover anything from the Jones Institute or with the words
infertility on the paperwork. I am still very disturbed by this fact since it
was the one place that showed real concern, found reasons for it, and attempted
solutions. I soon dropped the program since I couldn't afford treatments.
Those
are the facts, but as we all know things are not always so skin deep. My soul
was going through great turmoil throughout this time, and many times
experiences this soul searching even to this day. I was confused, angry,
bitter, and even felt that in order to protect my heart from breaking, I had to
push away those with babies, or young children. I still find it hard to go to
baby showers, even for women that I am extremely close to in my life.
I questioned
God, and still do to some extent. I know now that God was leading me toward a
different path, but at the time it felt like he was not the kind, loving God
that I had experienced in my childhood, but an unjust God who was not concerned
with how much I loved Him, nor how much I'd served Him. Every month, I would
cry, begging God for answers to my unanswerable questions. I pushed Him, and
those who followed Him away. In my heart, I still believed, but I couldn't
reconcile what my head and heart were warring over. I would mourn every month
for the life I should be living, for the mother I thought I deserved to be, for
the great father my husband could not be because of me. Sadly, I withdrew from
church, only opting to go when my husband would lovingly push me to go with
him. At church, I would feel depressed, looking around at all those happy
families. It felt like a cruel joke.
At a
Bible study with the ladies at church one night, I realized that I had made
this desire to have a baby into my own personal idol. Each month, I would start
over forming it in my heart all over again, I would worship at this idol
without knowing it. I would read up on treatments, beg my idol for a miracle to
go my way, and wait. Then, when it wouldn't fulfill my requests, I would smash
it in anger, then apologize and start the process again. Build it, worship it,
smash it, and repeat until all I could focus on was this idol. All this time, I
loved God, and Jesus, but I felt like the black sheep. Obviously, in my blinded
eyes, God did not love me as much as others.
And
then one day at church, I picked up the book that Christ Community Church gave
away to their members for free, Prodigal
God, by Tim Keller. I love to read, and started to read it that same afternoon.
This
book and the words that I believe God gave to Tim Keller to write seemed to be
aiming straight at me. Basically, the book breaks down the two brothers from
the prodigal story that Jesus tells. I've always understood the younger
brother's role, and won't get into it, but Keller had a remarkable way of
pointing his finger at the older brother. I realized that I had been living in
that role, blaming God, not accepting that He knew what was best for me,
accusing Him of not loving me, and then becoming jealous over others who I felt
God was blessing. I had served God my entire life! Where was my party? Didn't I
deserve the fattened calf, and the celebration? Where was my ring? It seemed
God loved the younger brother more than me. If you haven't read this book, I
highly recommend it, but it will slash you to the heart, so be prepared.
I
cried, and begged for forgiveness, but this is not just something that can be
fixed with a moment of revelation. God is constantly working on that attitude,
and putting his finger on it. I have to remind myself not to worship at the
idol anymore, and keep it far from me. Is it easy? No. Do I still struggle at
baby showers and Mother's Day events? Yes.
The
difference is, my eyes are open. I know that God has a plan for my life, and
the life of my family. I am certain of it.
My
husband reminded me of something we had talked about when we were first married
through a Google search that he had accidentally left open. In it, he had
searched for Virginia Adoptions. My heart was broken when I saw those words,
but God was showing me the door for us to walk through, because of this happy accident.
I have
lived with infertility for 6 years of my life. Infertility, just hearing the
word makes me feel helpless, and broken. It reminds me of this broken world. It
suggests emptiness, where life cannot grow or flourish, where creativity dries
up, and where everything dies.
Jesus said in Matthew 16:24, 'Take up your cross and follow
me.' My cross is infertility, but through Jesus' death, and resurrection, he
takes my infertility and makes it into something beautiful. Something that has
changed my life and given me a purpose. Through it, I've seen the view of my
future family. It's going to be quite special.
I would
love to continue this conversation with anyone who is struggling in this area
of your life. Maybe you have experienced infertility and it has led to adoption
for you as well. I would love to talk with you about this since it is the path
my husband and I find ourselves on now. Maybe you haven't experienced
infertility, but can relate to the things that I've said.
